House-hunting is a strange term don’t you think? House-searching makes more sense to me although that seems to sound closer to describing burglary more than anything else. But how do you hunt for a house? Do you get dressed up in your best horse-riding gear, wear a ridiculous looking hat and go out with ten of your best hunting Beagles in search of your dream home? Luckily you don’t have to answer that. The answer is given to us in the 9 million property programmes on television these days.

You see as it turns out, watching people house hunt is a popular and trendy thing to do. Location Location Location seems to be the longest-running programme of this type. Its name suggests that location would be the key factor while hunting down your house. In fact it is such an important factor that it is repeated three times just in the title. It’s all about the LOCATION! You might find a nice house and that’s all well and good. But what is its location? Really? You moron!

Personally, I couldn’t dream up a more boring concept for a show. For me, you are just watching really boring people do something really boring. It’s up there with The Amazing Race in terms of whatsthefuckingpointery. If you haven’t managed to catch this sobwank of a programme by the way, don’t worry. Simply leave late for your holiday and rush to the airport as fast as you can while doing something utterly pointless on the way like making a giant paper aeroplane; it’s much the same thing. But I digress. I don’t know how they do it but on Location etc. they always find the dullest couples in the country. I’m sure they are nice, normal people but it’s hard to see the passion in someone when they are discussing faucet design or door knockers. How excited about things like that can you actually be?

The presenters on TriLocation are freaks as well. They act as if they are all on Class A substances while they are directing Mr and Mrs McBoring around the prospective houses. And oh the climax towards the end of the programme. They put an offer in for a house. Will they get it? Wont they? Will they explode with anticipation? Will I explode out of sheer boredom? It doesn’t matter really does it. Just buy a house if you want one, go to Ikea and buy a load of trendy shit from the Arseson and Boreson ranges and then go home and find a fucking hobby.

Also, something else came to my attention on the same channel as Locationx3. The Living channel (the irony) also has a program apparently called ‘I Own Britain’s Best Home’. But all I could see was that it was called ‘I Am The World’s Smuggest Prick’. If it was called, ‘I have a nice house’ or ‘My house is bigger than your average sized house’ I could have let it go. But no, I OWN Britain’s Best Home. Not even a question. No doubt. I have the best. Bow before my bestestness. Whoop-de-fucking-doo. I hope the council build a motorway through it, over it and under it and that some gypsies move on to your garden (which by association, is Britain’s best garden I assume).

This culture which seems to be obsessed with competition and being the best and having the biggest and buying the most expensive is out of control. I believe it’s all born out of insecurity with oneself. We all have our demons but some people are so unhappy with themselves that they only seem to derive satisfaction out of life by thinking they are better and richer than someone else. So they just buy lots of stuff not because they need or maybe even want it but so that they can say to someone else, ‘Hey, look at this expensive thing I own that you don’t. Good isn’t it?’

Just. Fuck. Off.