Food is useful in many ways. The number one reason we eat of course is so that we keep on living. Food also releases endorphins into the bloodstream, your brain rewarding you for having tracked some food down (although admittedly this is somewhat easier these days, particularly so if you live in a Western society). Sharing a meal can also be great for social events and getting to know people. It can also lead to irrational rage and a deep hatred for everything that did exist, currently exists or will exist. Let me explain.

I realise people will have to make some noise when they eat. I don’t expect anyone to mime eating, particularly crunchy food. I wouldn’t expect you to suck crisps for example. But why oh why oh why do some people make so much noise when they eat that it gets to the point where it sounds like their teeth are conducting some sort of cuisine orchestra inside their mouth. To further the point why do they feel the need to share this performance to the general public by opening their mouth as wide as they can, as if they are a snake trying to consume a giraffe. I accept some people have medical conditions which prevent them from eating normally but for the rest you look like demented cows.

Some people add dramatic breathing noises when they are eating as well making it sound like they are having a final snack before suffocating to death. Unless you have just ran a four minute mile this is not necessary. For fucks sake you have been eating for years, you should have cracked it by now.

One incident springs to mind when this irrational reaction (and I do admit it’s irrational) nearly came to the fore. I was using a computer in a hostel when someone, who will remain nameless (mainly because I don’t know their name) sat down to use the computer next to me. So far, no problem. This person then unpeeled a banana. Not bothered, good on him for eating his five a day, still no problem. This person then started slurping, devouring, sucking, gnashing and attacking the banana as if it was prey desperately trying to run away. Massive problem. I just sat there looking at him for a few seconds wondering how the physical laws that have governed our Universe for 13.72 billion years could have somehow been twisted so that a banana could produce that much noise. Just like Craig David, I had to walk away. Couldn’t deal with it at all.

At least he wasn’t talking. People who eat and talk at you have a special place reserved in Hades, especially if a sample flies out of their mouth and on to your face. Unless you only have five seconds to live and you’re sorting your last will and testament while finishing off your favourite food, please don’t ever do this. Nothing is that urgent.
Something less annoying but more weird are people who take massive mouthfuls and before they have finished swallowing, gulp some beverage down their throat like some greedy pelican or as a friend calls it, cement-mixing. How busy is your life that you need to combine things like eating and drinking? You wouldn’t combine anything else like that to save time. You wouldn’t have a shave and brush your teeth at the same time probably because you would end up brushing your face and shaving your teeth.

All this talk of food has made me hungry.