Unless you have been living in a cave or a desperately poor part of the world you will have heard of Facebook. Love it or hate it (and I gravitate towards the hate end, oddly enough) you can’t deny it’s popular and can be an important means of communication with friends and family. It can also be home to some of the most irrelevant, banal shite comments ever to have been aired. I give you, my list of Facebook personalities.

Love me, love my life
 
Some people are so jam-packed with love they are actually overflowing with it and this rampant sewer juice ends up all over your news feed like digital graffiti. Quotes like ‘I love me and love everything that I love to love’ and ‘Smile and the world will smile with you’ that they update you with sound like they are out of some horribly cheesy insurance advert and have the opposite effect on me. Can’t you just keep your happiness to yourself? It’s great if people are this happy but I can’t help thinking they have a deep, dark hole inside of their soul somewhere and the only way to plaster over the ghostly crack is to spout these fluffy and pointless phrases.

How great am I?

It’s an important question for a lot of people on Facebook. Luckily for us they have answered it in the form of a constant diarrhoea stream clugging up your news feed. “I am currently doing something much more fun than you in a place so close to heaven you can’t even imagine how fun it is and I’ll be doing it for ages and LOOK AT THE PHOTOS I AM TAGGED IN!”. I hate these people because they lie. You see, they are not doing what they say they are doing. You know why? Because it’s a blindingly obvious paradox that would send Stephen Hawking’s voice box into a spin. You are not doing this amazing thing you claim you are doing. You are on Facebook on your little phone telling everyone about that thing you proclaim yourself to be doing but are not doing because you are on your little phone telling everyone about that thing you proclaim yourself to be doing but are not doing because you are on your little phone telling everyone about that thing you proclaim yourself to be doing….well you get the smegging picture.

Conspiracy of a conspiracy

Symptoms of this Facebook profile include posting clips made by conspiracy nuts, updating their status with comments about UFO sightings and tagging themselves in photos with ghostly apparitions (maybe not so much the last one). This person acts as a conduit for every extremely extreme view on the Internet. While I agree that governments are generally run by fuckwits you wouldn’t trust to peel a potato the line has to be drawn somewhere. Otherwise you just end up sitting in your bedroom (probably in your parents house) with a tin foil hat and shouting at insects who invade your privacy. Actually maybe these people should be defriended and reported. They can then go off and start their own social network called OffmyfaceBook. If they want.

FaceTvbookTVFace?

Things are on the TV all the time. In fact, 24 hours a day if you have no life. So I would say the only thing worse than TV (and that really is saying something) is people commenting about what is happening on TV. On Facebook! “Celina was evicted out of Big Brother OMG.” Thanks for letting me know. “Jo and Will are the final two in America’s Got Talent lol.” Well that sounds super, you have just made my day. When I see these kind of status updates, I can’t really control that thought that neurons create in my brain that silently wonders, can’t you just go and get a fucking life? (said the person reading it)

On/Off/On/Off/Onish/Off/On/Offish

People were in relationships a long time before Facebook came along. They didn’t need to stamp it all over the Internet. It was obvious when, you know, you would just hang out and shit and then later, move in with each other and shit and then have a family and shit like that and then get old and shit (probably less control over shitting) and then die and shit. Nowadays it’s a different story for this Facebook lost soul:

“Gimpolina is in a relationship”  Wow, that’s amazing, so happy for you, say several commenters.

 ”Gimpolina is single”  Oh Gimpy, that’s so sad, are you okay, say the same several commenters.

“Gimpolina is in a relationship” Gimper, that’s great news, be happy okay, say the same dull commenters.

“Gimpolina is single” Oh G-dog, so sorry, you deserve better anyway, say the same twats who you start to wonder if they are attached to Gimpolina and whether they are all part of the same organism. Or is that just me?

Right, that’s it from me. Off to see if anyone random has friended me, poked me or invited me to play Farmville. No to all.